You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My penis needs a shock collar
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
