Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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