Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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