12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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