I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
