Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
