You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
