I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
