and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
