that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
