I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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