I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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