thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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