OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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