my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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