I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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