I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
