If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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