I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
nutella sex= disaster
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize