I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize