Everything about him screamed your future.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
