Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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