Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
