I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
