just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm too high and old for this...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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