i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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