lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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