I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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