my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize