last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize