i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
