I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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