She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
