Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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