I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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