I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
two words: eviction party
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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