man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
