When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize