guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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