Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
