I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you didnt know i had herpes?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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