dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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