Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
