I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
