This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
