I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Everything about him screamed your future.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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