Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
