btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
