my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Holy sore nipples Batman
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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