You smell like stripper and shame
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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