textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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