I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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