I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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