I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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