i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize