When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
