I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
