Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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