Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
