Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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