In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
