You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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