okay pat passed out under dana's car
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
